Acknowledging Myself

I seldom, or I might say, always forget the achievement I've gotten so far.

I kept telling myself, "Why haven't you done anything?" "Why don't you try something new?" "Why are you stuck in the same place?" "Others are running, why are you still standing?" and the list goes on.

At the end of 2017, I sighed and huffed, having no jobs, no luck in finding jobs, no passion, no clear pathways, and not really wanting to follow my parents' directions, I said to myself, "What have you done this year, huh? Nothing." Then my sister snapped, "You graduate from college! You get your bachelor's degree, oh come on!" She had enough of me being ungrateful and not knowing my worth and efforts.

I kept feeling this way. I've been comparing myself to others, even though my achievement and theirs are not comparable. I kept blaming the "privilege" they have and stating I don't have it so I can't do the same. I've been making myself blind, I thought everything has to be revolved around me. I have to have everything. I have to achieve every single thing that I want. Proven by how many "I" has been written so far.

One day, I met an old friend at another friend's wedding. He said he got it, what has been his dream, he'll chase it somewhere near the future. I was surprised and so happy for him, congratulate him, and wish him the best, then my mom decided to intervene, "Look, you can do it, too! Why haven't you tried it?" Bang! I felt like I'd been shot, I just wanted to curl up and cry, but it was a happy day so I smiled and said, "Yeah, but it's hard to be at his level, he's really smart and has worked hard to chase it." For real, this friend of mine is really smart and I know he's been worked hard to be where he is now. He laughed and encouraged me. Later, in the car, my parents discussed how my friends have changed and so on then we went back to "that" friend, my mom said, "You have a similar dream, but you only keep dreaming, not doing anything about it". Again, I just wanted to curl up and cry.

Fast forward a couple of weeks later, the world had crushed by a devastating virus (we all know what is it). People encourage others, being positive that, all of us, will get through this together. People started to show how to be productive even if you have to stay all day at home. Until this day, after a year, after watching how many people try to be productive, to keep achieving, I kept feeling like a lazy hag.

Curling up and crying is still one of the activities I want to do the whole year. However, did I really curl up and cry when I feel like I want to? No.

Did I even try to? No.

What about my dreams? Did I even try to pursue it? No.

I was focusing on "what ifs" than doing it. I was focusing on "I can't" than starting it. I was focusing on envying others, then doing things for myself. I have never felt enough of what I achieved so far, but I never really try to develop myself. Name it, whether it's my self-care, my hobbies, or my work, I never try to. It is disappointing but that is the truth of what I have been doing for years.

The small achievements I appreciate so much

Thus, I change directions. After being ungrateful for years, I try to see and validate my smallest achievement every day. Those might be small to me, but it is still a great achievement. Is it worth being complimented by others? Maybe I don't think so, but others do, so yes, it is worth being complimented. Being proud and thankful for what I achieve, might seem boastful and arrogant, but it is a big step for me.

So, yeah, I'm proud of myself.